killing the gremlin
my bud sb's nickname is gremlin. it's supposed to be ironic because he's so far from being what john bingham describes a gremlin to be - that evil voice in your head that tells you that you aren't running fast enough or far enough. sb is indeed the complete opposite of that - in fact, he's the optimistic one in our friendship. however, our friendship wouldn't be our friendship if there wasn't humor and mockery.
the point of my explaining the gremlin is this: i'm in the process of killing mine. i say "process" because it's just that - an unfortunately long and arduous process. my gremlin is persistent...and evil...and has lived inside my head for as long as i can remember. when i was a sprinter, he was the little guy who kept me on the track after everyone else was gone doing block work hoping to shave a tenth of a second off my 100m time. he was the little guy who added three tenths back on during the race because i let him convince me that i was going to choke - and i always did.
he's now the little guy who makes me feel like i have to make excuses for how slow of a distance runner i think i am. he's the little guy who makes me turn every training run into a race against myself. he's the little guy who often makes me question why i bother running since i'm no good at it.
i've known that my gremlin has been a problem for a long time, but it never became more clear that i need to get rid of him because of how ridiculous he makes me than on friday.
i met a fellow runner while volunteering for packet pick-up for cara's marathon training program. we were trading running bios as many runners do - did you run in high school or college? what kind of shoes do you wear? will chicago be your first marathon?
and then, inevitably, the question i avoided like the plague came: what pace group do you think you'll run with for the training program?
a normal person who doesn't have a gremlin would have just said, "probably the 10 minute group." instead, i rambled on about not knowing for sure and being confused since i just ran a 10 mile race and a 5k at very different paces. i did this because i assumed she was a sub-7-minute-mile girl who would judge me for being so slow. instead, when she asked what my 10 mile and 5k paces were, i was surprised by her reaction. she was impressed.
but even if she weren't impressed, she probably would've been supportive because that's what most runners are. i don't judge runners who are slower than i am...so why do i assume faster runners are judging me? and even if they are, why should i care? i suddenly realized how silly i must have sounded and how silly i am for always sounding that way.
a part of the reason i run is because it's a challenge. it's something that doesn't come naturally to me like a lot of other things in my life. and it's because the challenge is so great that the return is so much greater. eb said i need to accept my failure to embrace my success. and she's right. i accept that i will never be the fastest runner, but i will embrace the challenge to be the best runner i can be and all the success that comes along with that.
so to my gremlin, i say this: your reign has been long and successful, but your time is coming to an end. it's my turn now, sucka.
the point of my explaining the gremlin is this: i'm in the process of killing mine. i say "process" because it's just that - an unfortunately long and arduous process. my gremlin is persistent...and evil...and has lived inside my head for as long as i can remember. when i was a sprinter, he was the little guy who kept me on the track after everyone else was gone doing block work hoping to shave a tenth of a second off my 100m time. he was the little guy who added three tenths back on during the race because i let him convince me that i was going to choke - and i always did.
he's now the little guy who makes me feel like i have to make excuses for how slow of a distance runner i think i am. he's the little guy who makes me turn every training run into a race against myself. he's the little guy who often makes me question why i bother running since i'm no good at it.
i've known that my gremlin has been a problem for a long time, but it never became more clear that i need to get rid of him because of how ridiculous he makes me than on friday.
i met a fellow runner while volunteering for packet pick-up for cara's marathon training program. we were trading running bios as many runners do - did you run in high school or college? what kind of shoes do you wear? will chicago be your first marathon?
and then, inevitably, the question i avoided like the plague came: what pace group do you think you'll run with for the training program?
a normal person who doesn't have a gremlin would have just said, "probably the 10 minute group." instead, i rambled on about not knowing for sure and being confused since i just ran a 10 mile race and a 5k at very different paces. i did this because i assumed she was a sub-7-minute-mile girl who would judge me for being so slow. instead, when she asked what my 10 mile and 5k paces were, i was surprised by her reaction. she was impressed.
but even if she weren't impressed, she probably would've been supportive because that's what most runners are. i don't judge runners who are slower than i am...so why do i assume faster runners are judging me? and even if they are, why should i care? i suddenly realized how silly i must have sounded and how silly i am for always sounding that way.
a part of the reason i run is because it's a challenge. it's something that doesn't come naturally to me like a lot of other things in my life. and it's because the challenge is so great that the return is so much greater. eb said i need to accept my failure to embrace my success. and she's right. i accept that i will never be the fastest runner, but i will embrace the challenge to be the best runner i can be and all the success that comes along with that.
so to my gremlin, i say this: your reign has been long and successful, but your time is coming to an end. it's my turn now, sucka.
posted by tc at
1:30 PM
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